WAY BEHIND THE HEADLINES

While freelancing, I had a bread and butter job doing research for radio stations.  I struck up a friendship with the program manager of an adult contemporary station in Sacramento and wrote some copy for a faux news segment with a Weekend Update type vibe.  Here are a few of the pieces that I did for them.

 _______________________

It’s easier to gain US citizenship if you’re a farm worker, so it’s tempting to portray yourself as one, even when you’re not.   In Florida today, razor sharp immigration officials rounded up 56 illegal aliens who claimed they worked the fields by harvesting baked beans and climbed ladders to pick strawberries.  “How stupid do these people think we are?” fumed irate customs official Albert Van De Kamp.  “Baked beans don’t even grow this far south.”  Exhausted farmers are in desperate need of the workers this harvest claiming “It’s always busiest during cornbread season.”

In Kansas City, Kansas, poor Viola Sanchez had to wait 20 minutes in her car while a police officer wrote her a parking ticket.  Not a fate worse than death, unless, like the defendant, you were in labor at the time.  Mrs. Sanchez later gave birth to healthy twin boys, but was fined by the hospital because they were three weeks overdue.

Firefighters in Lincoln, Nebraska are turning high powered hoses on downtown trees to dislodge noisy sparrows and starlings and urge them to relocate.  Elaborates Fire Chief Bill Greenbaum, “If that doesn’t work, we’re going to make them some very attractive, low interest loans.”

Prison officials in Delaware decided to stop showing non-educational movies to inmates after a psychologist confirmed that such films as “Blood Sucking Freaks” might encourage the prisoners to become violent.  “Violence we can handle,” Corrections Commission Robert Watson stated.  “We’re afraid of what they’d do if we showed them the campfire scene from ‘Blazing Saddles.’”

Movie Review - The Juror

During the years that I worked for USPAN,a small internet company, I had the chance to write movie reviews for one of our web sites.  Here is one I wrote for a film called “The Juror”.

 _______________

I saw “The Juror” in a nice, clean theater, so it wasn’t the fake popcorn butter or the soda.  When I walked out of the movie, I had a sudden urge to wipe something off of the bottom of my shoes, and quickly realized it was Alec Baldwin.

At the outset of the film, you know he’s the villain.  But, he’s such a charming guy that you almost feel guilty not being attracted to him.  I got over that when he started to whisper.  I mean, there’s a time and a place for that, but walking down the street?  I kept expecting Demi Moore to say “Excuse me – could you speak up?” or “How’s that again?”

The plot – Moore, as an artist and single mother inexplicably decides that she’d really like to try out for the honor of being sequestered with eleven other people in a cheap hotel for several days, while trying to ascertain whether a Mafioso with the oh so believable name of Louis Buffano is guilty of heinous crimes.  What some moms won’t do to get a break.

Naturally, Moore gets accepted as a juror.  And the Good Fellas immediately perceive that she alone among the twelve has the power to single-handedly make the jury vote Not Guilty.  Enter Baldwin, to romance her, bug her house, spend thousands of dollars on her art work, then threaten her child, kill her best friend and generally reduce her to a quivering mass of a lack of options.

Baldwin is at his slimy best, but Moore is fabulous.  Her slow descent into tortured victim, then her gradual rise into avenging amazon will give any woman who’s been done wrong a new lease on life.   I haven’t seen such a gut wrenching explosion of vigilante justice since Susan Sarandon raised her gun in “Thelma and Louise.”

Guys, say your prayers before you go.  Examine your souls. If you’re pretty sure that you’re a decent fellow, then rent this and enjoy one of the best suspense films I’ve seen in years.  But if there’s any nagging doubt that maybe you’ve been a jerk, either crawl to her and beg for mercy or skip this movie and go see something less damning.  Like “Dead Man Walking.”

National Onion Board - Press Kit Cover Letter

Breathe Easy – Designer Onions On Their Way For Spring and Summer

Designer onions are quite simply the sweet spring and summer onions grown only in selected areas of the country, that are so mild and flavorful that they can be eaten out of hand, like an apple.  But, before we get into the specifics about Vidalias, Mauis, Walla Wallas, Imperials and the like, here are a few basic facts about onions that might help you with a story angle.

·         During the middle ages, onions were so valuable they were used as rent payments and wedding gifts. (Great idea for your next bridal shower – no bride in history has ever complained of receiving duplicate onions.)

·         In the 18^th century, onions’ high Vitamin C content helped ward off scurvy on the voyages of explorers such as Captain James Cook.  At one point, Cook refused to sail until each member of his crew ate 30 pounds of onions.  (It only took one man to comply – the rest chowed down in self defense).

·         We’re not exactly sure why, but during the Civil War, the War Department received an urgent message from General U. S. Grant saying “I will not move my army without onions.”  They complied immediately.  (Grant’s side won.)

·         Onions are high in fiber and totally fat and cholesterol free.  In fact, studies at East Texas State University identified a chemical in onions called Prostaglandin A1, which has been shown to significantly reduce blood cholesterol and blood pressure. (There’s no punch line, but what’s a food story without a cholesterol/fiber tie in?)

Now, read on for the details about your favorite regional onions!