While freelancing, I had a bread and butter job doing research for radio stations. I struck up a friendship with the program manager of an adult contemporary station in Sacramento and wrote some copy for a faux news segment with a Weekend Update type vibe. Here are a few of the pieces that I did for them.
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It’s easier to gain US citizenship if you’re a farm worker, so it’s tempting to portray yourself as one, even when you’re not. In Florida today, razor sharp immigration officials rounded up 56 illegal aliens who claimed they worked the fields by harvesting baked beans and climbed ladders to pick strawberries. “How stupid do these people think we are?” fumed irate customs official Albert Van De Kamp. “Baked beans don’t even grow this far south.” Exhausted farmers are in desperate need of the workers this harvest claiming “It’s always busiest during cornbread season.”
In Kansas City, Kansas, poor Viola Sanchez had to wait 20 minutes in her car while a police officer wrote her a parking ticket. Not a fate worse than death, unless, like the defendant, you were in labor at the time. Mrs. Sanchez later gave birth to healthy twin boys, but was fined by the hospital because they were three weeks overdue.
Firefighters in Lincoln, Nebraska are turning high powered hoses on downtown trees to dislodge noisy sparrows and starlings and urge them to relocate. Elaborates Fire Chief Bill Greenbaum, “If that doesn’t work, we’re going to make them some very attractive, low interest loans.”
Prison officials in Delaware decided to stop showing non-educational movies to inmates after a psychologist confirmed that such films as “Blood Sucking Freaks” might encourage the prisoners to become violent. “Violence we can handle,” Corrections Commission Robert Watson stated. “We’re afraid of what they’d do if we showed them the campfire scene from ‘Blazing Saddles.’”
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