WAY BEHIND THE HEADLINES

While freelancing, I had a bread and butter job doing research for radio stations.  I struck up a friendship with the program manager of an adult contemporary station in Sacramento and wrote some copy for a faux news segment with a Weekend Update type vibe.  Here are a few of the pieces that I did for them.

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It’s easier to gain US citizenship if you’re a farm worker, so it’s tempting to portray yourself as one, even when you’re not.   In Florida today, razor sharp immigration officials rounded up 56 illegal aliens who claimed they worked the fields by harvesting baked beans and climbed ladders to pick strawberries.  “How stupid do these people think we are?” fumed irate customs official Albert Van De Kamp.  “Baked beans don’t even grow this far south.”  Exhausted farmers are in desperate need of the workers this harvest claiming “It’s always busiest during cornbread season.”

In Kansas City, Kansas, poor Viola Sanchez had to wait 20 minutes in her car while a police officer wrote her a parking ticket.  Not a fate worse than death, unless, like the defendant, you were in labor at the time.  Mrs. Sanchez later gave birth to healthy twin boys, but was fined by the hospital because they were three weeks overdue.

Firefighters in Lincoln, Nebraska are turning high powered hoses on downtown trees to dislodge noisy sparrows and starlings and urge them to relocate.  Elaborates Fire Chief Bill Greenbaum, “If that doesn’t work, we’re going to make them some very attractive, low interest loans.”

Prison officials in Delaware decided to stop showing non-educational movies to inmates after a psychologist confirmed that such films as “Blood Sucking Freaks” might encourage the prisoners to become violent.  “Violence we can handle,” Corrections Commission Robert Watson stated.  “We’re afraid of what they’d do if we showed them the campfire scene from ‘Blazing Saddles.’”

Movie Review - The Juror

During the years that I worked for USPAN,a small internet company, I had the chance to write movie reviews for one of our web sites.  Here is one I wrote for a film called “The Juror”.

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I saw “The Juror” in a nice, clean theater, so it wasn’t the fake popcorn butter or the soda.  When I walked out of the movie, I had a sudden urge to wipe something off of the bottom of my shoes, and quickly realized it was Alec Baldwin.

At the outset of the film, you know he’s the villain.  But, he’s such a charming guy that you almost feel guilty not being attracted to him.  I got over that when he started to whisper.  I mean, there’s a time and a place for that, but walking down the street?  I kept expecting Demi Moore to say “Excuse me – could you speak up?” or “How’s that again?”

The plot – Moore, as an artist and single mother inexplicably decides that she’d really like to try out for the honor of being sequestered with eleven other people in a cheap hotel for several days, while trying to ascertain whether a Mafioso with the oh so believable name of Louis Buffano is guilty of heinous crimes.  What some moms won’t do to get a break.

Naturally, Moore gets accepted as a juror.  And the Good Fellas immediately perceive that she alone among the twelve has the power to single-handedly make the jury vote Not Guilty.  Enter Baldwin, to romance her, bug her house, spend thousands of dollars on her art work, then threaten her child, kill her best friend and generally reduce her to a quivering mass of a lack of options.

Baldwin is at his slimy best, but Moore is fabulous.  Her slow descent into tortured victim, then her gradual rise into avenging amazon will give any woman who’s been done wrong a new lease on life.   I haven’t seen such a gut wrenching explosion of vigilante justice since Susan Sarandon raised her gun in “Thelma and Louise.”

Guys, say your prayers before you go.  Examine your souls. If you’re pretty sure that you’re a decent fellow, then rent this and enjoy one of the best suspense films I’ve seen in years.  But if there’s any nagging doubt that maybe you’ve been a jerk, either crawl to her and beg for mercy or skip this movie and go see something less damning.  Like “Dead Man Walking.”

National Onion Board - Press Kit Cover Letter

Breathe Easy – Designer Onions On Their Way For Spring and Summer

Designer onions are quite simply the sweet spring and summer onions grown only in selected areas of the country, that are so mild and flavorful that they can be eaten out of hand, like an apple.  But, before we get into the specifics about Vidalias, Mauis, Walla Wallas, Imperials and the like, here are a few basic facts about onions that might help you with a story angle.

·         During the middle ages, onions were so valuable they were used as rent payments and wedding gifts. (Great idea for your next bridal shower – no bride in history has ever complained of receiving duplicate onions.)

·         In the 18^th century, onions’ high Vitamin C content helped ward off scurvy on the voyages of explorers such as Captain James Cook.  At one point, Cook refused to sail until each member of his crew ate 30 pounds of onions.  (It only took one man to comply – the rest chowed down in self defense).

·         We’re not exactly sure why, but during the Civil War, the War Department received an urgent message from General U. S. Grant saying “I will not move my army without onions.”  They complied immediately.  (Grant’s side won.)

·         Onions are high in fiber and totally fat and cholesterol free.  In fact, studies at East Texas State University identified a chemical in onions called Prostaglandin A1, which has been shown to significantly reduce blood cholesterol and blood pressure. (There’s no punch line, but what’s a food story without a cholesterol/fiber tie in?)

Now, read on for the details about your favorite regional onions!

Coming Soon to Marilyn's Nut Butters

Over the past two years, many of you have enjoyed our spreadable nut butters.  Now we're putting back the crunch, offering many of the same flavors, but in portable snack sized packages of whole nuts.

Marilyn's Nut Butters is proud to announce two new personal sized packages of organic, roasted seasoned nuts and fruit.  Keep a package in your backpack or purse for a snack to go to the movies, camping or just to help you make it through your day.  Or, give a package as a hostess gift that will be remembered even better than that bottle of wine or bouquet of flowers.  

Our goal is to source the best quality ingredients as locally as possible, so in our first new products you'll find delicious local organic dried cherries and apples from Jerzy Boyz Farm in Chelan WA. 

Coming soon:

Pistachios, Hazelnuts and Dried Cherries, seasoned with Cumin and Black Pepper

A seductive blend of savory and sweet, with just a hint of pepper heat!  Nuts give the crunch and Jerzy Boyz dried cherries keep the fun going with a  bit of pillowy chewiness.  Wonderful eaten as a snack or chopped up and sprinkled over brown rice or into a green salad.

Pistachios, Fennel and Dried Apples  

Buttery pistachios are given added depth with the savory goodness of fennel and the crisp sweetness of dried apple.  Take these anywhere as a snack or serve up a bowl as an appetizer with your favorite beverage.

Throw Out the Manual (Processes) - Microsoft Opalis Integration Server Is Here!

Organizations utilizing ITIL and Microsoft Operations Framework share a common challenge.  As data centers have gotten more complex and individual IT processes have increased in their abilities to solve business problems, individual IT processes have gotten increasingly siloed.  Inside of Microsoft System Center, Operations Manager does a great job of automatically collecting statistics about the components inside the system.  Virtual Machine Manager can use those statistics to automatically place work loads.  But transferring the information between the two tools to date has had to be a manual process. 

With the introduction of Microsoft Opalis Integration Server, a new workflow engine makes it possible to automate previously manual tasks in a way that aligns with the ITIL and MOF best practices initiatives.

Opalis Integration Server serves as the link that automates the process of communication between the tools.  Utilizing simple object oriented workflow design, Opalis can create ways to transfer the results of one task to the knowledge base and automatically start up another task inside of another tool.  Automating tasks between products allows for lower latency and increased speed without the use of cumbersome scripting or coding. 

Additionally, the functionality of Opalis isn’t restricted to use with Microsoft System Center components.  Opalis allows for integration between Microsoft System Center products and other system management products offered by BMC, CA, HP and VM Ware

Celebrity Publicity - Greg Louganis and the Northwest Marine Trade Association

Shortly after his astounding Olympic gold medal sweep in 1988, Greg agreed to be the featured guest at the Seattle Boat Show, signing autographs and talking to local children about how to face adversity. 

We didn't know at the time just how much adversity Greg was facing.  His own later biography chronicled that he suffered a signficant amount of emotional and physical abuse from his father and later from his partner.  At the time, Greg was in the process of coming to terms with his past and healing for his future.  He was a pleasure to work with and to place on local TV news and talk shows.  I wrote and sent out this biography.

Headline - Greg Louganis - Biography

Body - He's been called the "Fred Astaire of diving", and there are more "firsts", "bests" and "onlys" associated with his name than any diver in history.

Greg Louganis is a two-time Olympic gold medalist (1984 and 1988); a silver medalist (1976); the only man in history to earn over seven hundred points in a single Olympic diving event; the winner of forty seven national titles, six world championships, six Pan American Games gold medals and twelve Olympic Festival gold medals.  He's also the only person ever to score seven perfect tens for one dive in national and world competition.

Born and raised in San Diego CA, Louganis began diving at the age of eight, and won a place on the U.S. Olympic team at sixteen.  The pursuit of diving didn't hamper his pursuit of an education.  He graduated from the University of California in 1983 with a major in drama, a minor in dance and a 3.25 GPA.

Louganis seemed to approach competition without fear or indecision.  In 1983, he was poised to perform at the World University Games in Edmonton, Alberta, when he watched a Soviet competitor dive to his death, executing a reverse three and one half turn.  One year later, Louganis performed the same dive as his tenth and final dive at the 1984 Olympic Games.  The dive won him the gold medal, and contributed to a record final score of 710.91 points.

The spirit of this Olympic hero was nurtured through adversity.  Louganis has triumphed over a difficult childhood, subjected to racial prejudice against his Samoan heritage and hampered by speech and learning difficulties.  He has gone on to prove that those who choose to change their own lives can go on to change the world.

Crisis Management - New Zealand Kiwifruit Commission

It's rare - and highly satisfying - when a writer is given the opportunity to mess with a client's brand.  The New Zealand Kiwifruit Commission was in a pickle and had the guts to let me write something to help them out of it.  Fruit that had been shipped to arrive on the desks of national food writers at the peak of ripeness were held too long on a hot customs dock.  Thus was born "Lending New Meaning To The Term "Fruit Cocktail" and "New Zealand Kiwifruit.  They're much better as food."  45 minutes and a little clip art later, the piece was being stuffed into new boxes full of product.

Headline:  LENDING NEW MEANING TO THE TERM "FRUIT COCKTAIL"

Body:  We recently sent you a nice juicy sample of ripe New Zealand kiwifruit.

BOY, WAS IT JUICY!

It has been brought to our attention that, in some cases, when the kiwi arrived, you could have poured it over ice and had it for Happy Hour.  While our New Zealand kiwis do make excellent dacquiris, this is not what we had in mind when we sent them to you.

The kiwifruit that we had carefully ripened to a perfect shipping stage and sent post-haste to you wound up sitting somewhere in a less than controlled atmosphere for a little too long.  And it ripened.  And, it ripened some more.  And then, some more. 

We didn't do it intentionally - we promise.  But, it does illustrate that kiwifruit should be monitored for proper ripening, to come of age more slowly.

So, please accept our apologies. 

Tag line:  NEW ZEALAND KIWIFRUIT.  THEY'RE MUCH BETTER AS FOOD.